I finally got to talk with Crystal in person, I had bumped into her at school, in fact i jumped over some 2ft rocks, ran across the lawn and into the walk way and then i bumped into her.

It was a relief to see her again after 10 long months. I was shaking and nervous. I could not catch my breathe and my voice was dying out every couple of words.


I ask her if we could talk, unfortunately it was on campus, but it needed to be done because I knew i wouldn't get this chance again.
I got my answers and they were painful to hear at the time, but I know them now so it's all that matters.

I was afraid of the answers but here it is,

She had told me that our relationship was over and that we weren't able to be together anymore. She told me she doesn't love me the same way as she did back then. That she just stopped feeling that way for a while and that she didn't know how to tell me. I assume that's why she ignored my emails/notes, I understand how hard it could be to break this sort of news to your partner, but i wish she knew how important and critical it was if she had told me earlier instead of me having to hurt so much, waiting for an answer, still thinking I was with her just only on a break. I'm happy though to get my answers but a part of me is a little upset with them. Just knowing you just lost your girlfriend and there was nothing you could do to get her back or have her feel the same way for you again. Once that spark is lost, you just have no control or will to do anything. You just lose. Now it's time to pick up the pieces and just move on.


I'm very happy though that I got to talk to her, it has really helped me carry on and think positive. Being able to express myself and tell her how i felt and finding the truth has brought peace to my heart and mind. I held her hand at some points just to feel them again. I also hugged her before she left, just to feel that comfort in her. I even kissed her on the cheek just one last time. Just to recapture that special feeling i once shared with her. I'm sorry if it was uncomfortable for her, but it really helped me to say to myself that, I can let her go now. All i wanted was one last touch just to be free from all of this pain. And i do feel better. She always said she couldn't help me, but she did. I hope she knows this. I just hope she's fine after she told me the things she did. I just want her to know it's okay, that im okay.
I'm always here as a friend.


one thing that scared me today was being on the 3rd floor looking down at the ground. I swear i could of saw myself down there. im glad i didnt do anything stupid. i was just completely hurt after talking with her, it felt as if i didnt want to go through life because of my shitty experiences, but life does go on and i look forward to living. i hope many people think the same and overcome their issues.


Thanks a lot to everyone who has supported me through this, your words were inspiring and comforting. Just what I needed. I thank Crystal for being there for me today and for not ignoring me. I really appreciate all of this help. Thank you all.



[ Response to ~Hallahn from previous journal ]

Saying that she is blind, just made me think of why she fell out of love with me. What did I not do right? Because honestly, looking back, she was so in love with me and we practically were engaged as we knew we wanted each other with no doubts. I should have asked her that. She only told me she just didn't feel that way anymore...but some people get that wrong where they dont know what they are feeling until its too late or until they realize how much they love someone. I thought that was what this break was about, i think the intentions were based off of that, but I guess things just happen and then things just change.



She's a lovely and wonderful girl. I will always respect her. Even what I have gone through, I just cannot be angry at her. She taught me many things and she made me happy, showed me happiness. I must remain happy, otherwise it had all gone to waste and I will be back where I was before I was with her. I'm sure she wants me to remain happy as I wish her the same.


However, I do feel as if she gave up a good guy but life is all about experience and growing into and out of things. We are all young and it just takes time to realize the value of experiences, love. I can only hope that maybe one day, when we get older, I could get a shot with her again. It would be nice, but im not betting on it. just saying that anything is possible.
she is still someone i would consider growing old with if that chance is ever there in the future.

[ Response to ~Hallahn End ]



8/21 EDIT: There is actually more to what went on when crystal and i were talking but i don't know if i should bother talking about it or if im better off just gulping it all down and forget it somehow. i felt better when i wrote this journal last night, but now it's like the aches are coming back. those damn anxiety attacks are coming back. it seems i have more questions for her based on what she told me that i did not include in this journal entry. i may need to talk to her again just get these answers. it seems i forgot to mention them when i talked with her yesterday.